First to last, all in a day

I have never been in such a dilemma where my brain and heart differ in opinion. We are talking about a situation where my intellect was fooled by my heart. Certain things in life are not to stay but give us lessons for lifetime. I have this great skill to keenly observe things that can soothe or potentially threaten me but before I knew, I was already hit. Anything that ever has ever happened to me, has changed me in a way that I won’t go back to the person I was.

This is all about this amazing girl that I happen to meet a few months back. The meeting was totally anonymous as my roommate asked one of his female friends to set up a meeting as he was very much interested in this girl and to mention, I am the guy who is nowhere in the scene. I am already complacent with my belongings with minimal desires, until this took place. We are a group of three college final year students who reside in a rented apartment.

Encounter 1- Now, both the girls showed up at our place at around 6 in the evening. I still remember it was 23^rd of March and the weather was favorable for any sort of activity outside. It was a formal meeting and all five of us were comfortable, we the three flatmates and the two girls. Some chit-chats on random topics and it was dark outside and the girls left after about two hours of random activities.
I found the girl quite attractive and fun loving who sees life with a very positive attitude, one practical girl to say. She was nice to everybody and nice people get attention too easily.
Later, the next day I enquired from the friend about how she felt and to my surprise she said that you guys were indeed nice to her. She felt totally comfortable and enjoyed the moments. I was amused to hear the words.
I initiated the online conversation and replies were positive and totally complemented my humor. A few days of chit-chat and we planned to meet one fine evening.

Encounter 2- I invited her for a treat and the response was once again a positive one, April the 5^th. I was more than excited to see her but the other party never felt the same way as I could easily figure out by the way she replied to me. It’s just the second time I’ve met her and already I sense something happening, but one sided only. Since we were again in the group everybody was talking and topics just got random. By the day ended, we had discussed from cricket to TV actors, from personal interests to alcoholic brands, and many anonymous things.

Encounter 3- After exactly a week, in the evening I got a text and she said she is going out for dinner with her friends. I myself was very much busy with college wind up projects and said her to have fun. She invited me over and I could not resist. In no time we were filling from belly to mouth. Meanwhile, her friends had to leave while we were still stuffing ourselves. She said a good bye to them and again we were onto food. After the heavy meal, we were out for a walk and I showed that I care for her but she took it in a very casual way.
By this time I was friend zoned and any step at this point would ruin everything. At the same time my finals were on the run and my arse on fire. She asked to stop by the room but I denied as the exams were already consuming all my time and energy.

Encounter 4- April 25^th, the last day of college and I invited both the girls for some food and supper in the evening. She denied at first but something changed her mind and she showed up, though quite late. I arranged for food and drinks and it was late already. I did not knew if vomiting my feelings today would be good or not, but the words said are always better than regret for a lifetime. I said it, horribly though, messing up things. I already knew what was coming my way. It’s not about the happy ending always, sometimes story does matter. In life, there are more than things to learn and I say live each moment, enjoy and learn from it. It was a negative, yet she added, to be friends. I knew things were going to be clumsy past this night.
Why wouldn’t it be? It was just a month that we met and some casual meetings, that’s it and out of blue I said so many complicating things. I had no choice either; it’s the last chance, last day afterall. I won’t get a single moment to see or tell her once we left. So that was an end from her side, but I had more to say, more to express but to push any further would only be absurd. The situation got awkward as the time passed and she had already started to dislike and ignore me. Not to get what I deserve is painful, but to get what I don’t is also unjust. I let go things that day, because to love is let go and let go was my choice.

Hard times now begin when I’m miles away from her, have her contact, want to talk, know about her well being, but can’t. Nothing in the life is permanent, be it man, material or place, but memories. I held myself together but a part of me feels different. I always wanted to meet her one last time, put my eyes in her’s and show her what was in me but there is no turning back. I usually do not open myself to everyone but this was different.

I am home now but the feelings are not getting away, leading me to lack of focus, depression and ultimately sadness. It was supposed to fade away but is getting stronger instead. This is very much detrimental to my career and reputation. I never felt this way all my life, no matter what took place. If you pull me inside out, you’d find a man strong, mentally, emotionally and physically. But time can make you kneel for anything in this world.
I took some of my savings, packed my bag and went on a distant trip, booked a room, locked it down and cried endlessly. A tear trickled down my cheek, a second one and a third. This was it. Those precious drops were a part of me that had to be shredded off. It was neither a person nor time that I cried for; it was my perception that made me cry. The element of surprise, it did help loosen the grip and now I can relive those moments without any pain or suffering. It is one human behavior that I understood is that we do not share our feelings with everybody. I am amused by the people who try and make fun of my insecurities.

Friends suggest to move on. Moving on simply doesn’t mean to forget things but realize the truth and continue living with it. I myself am amazed to see a guy like me who has always trolled about love, passion and feelings, was now getting trolled. It was for someone who complimented my humor and sarcasm. It’s been a long time now since everything happened but there are a few things still hazy. Firstly, all these years I’ve been living under the impression that I do not care for things that do not associate with me, turns out to be false. Secondly, why has been there a change in my priorities and thirdly, I need to figure out who, why or what, the third tear was for.

The interesting part is; I realized it was my first love on the last day of college, funny, isn’t it.